Saturday, April 4, 2015

Demented moon






Black hours. Around 5 a.m. Shortly before I woke up. I was laying in bed, dreaming.

I dreamt Mom had been cured of dementia. She had her mind back. Mental faculties, cognition -- all in place. Even her former look had returned. Her hair was dyed red like it used to be. She looked middle-aged, around my age actually. Possibly a bit younger. Mom always was rather youthful looking. Her face looked smoother.

At the assisted living facility, the workers say, "Vickie's a sweetie." That's how they see Mom -- as a sweet old lady. Except on those occasions when she becomes restless or someone or something rubs her the wrong way and she goes nuclear, unleashing a tirade in which she hits things and swears like she's in an NC-17 movie based on a Henry Miller novel.

"Did she cuss a lot before?" the facility director asked me.

We joke around a lot, Mom and me. "You and your mom have something. She can calm you down," says my mother-in-law, whom I also call "Mom."

It's a close, but not uncomplicated relationship. Back when she had this younger, fuller look, there were times when Mom could be a real bitch. I guess every mother is at some time or another. We'd have terrible arguments.

And that's what happened when she re-claimed her younger self. It was as if the renewal of her intellect restored some mechanism in her brain, freeing her to be disagreeable, feisty and unyielding again. It was almost like I'd forgotten some younger years. We had some disagreement. I was probably being caustic and not thinking before I talked -- if I were to contemplate on it and all. And Mom was being unbearably bitchy.

Then I had a bad thought.

"I want sweet old lady back. Bring back Dementia Mom."

Naturally I felt guilty. My wife says I like to feel guilty.

That's about the time I woke up.

                          "Came a Long Way" -- Heartless Bastards

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

I want to represent you in city council


Your future City Councilman -- Jeff Guy


Old newspaper pals, family members, the gang at The Buckhouse and fellow members of the various civic groups I belong to have urged me to run for City Council. I decided to throw my hat in the ring and announce that ol' J. Guy is running for Jett, Kan. (wink, wink) City Council as a write-in candidate.

I was raised here in Jett, Kan. (pop 4,000 in the '70s). I remember bike rodeos at Robinson Elementary, Little League games at Garvin Park where I played right field, bowling at Holiday Lanes and hanging out with my friends Hyde, Eric, Donna, Jacque and Fez, spray painting a special leaf on the city water tower.

I’m running for city council because I believe public service is a noble calling for a man. Or a woman, hermaphrodite, whatever. My point is I’m a people person and that’s given me the skill set to serve my community. I honed my communication and business skills in the early ‘90s as a car salesman. You’d see me at the lot on south Broadway in Wichita, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, sitting on the hood of a 1970 Mercury Comet.

I further honed my skills as a communication major at WSU. Don’t believe what you’ve heard about how it’s a worthless major where you can get fucked up every weekend and still get by. My education has helped me connect with people. Also, when my wife and I have an argument, I say, “You’re not fighting correctly. Please. I have a degree in communication.”
                                                                                              
My community service has included washing police cars and picking up trash in the park. Yes, I was court ordered to do this, but it was still community service, right?

Now for the things I plan to accomplish as your city council man.

·        Water is a huge issue in our city. Archaic contracts with an inferior city over shared water. An aging infrastructure. I want you to know water concerns me as three-fourths of our bodies consist of water and good ol’ H2O is needed to sustain life. Water. Water. Water. I have been a proponent of water for years and if it makes you pee a lot, that’s okay because a chiropractor friend of mine said, “That’s good for you.”
·        Liven up our city’s cable access channel by airing reruns of Seinfeld and Friends.
·        Take a page from Andover’s playbook and hold annual summerfests featuring awesome bands no longer on the charts (e.g.) NWA, the Beastie Boys and Vanilla Ice.
·        To show a lighter side of city government, every quarter, each council member will read mean tweets about themselves like they do on The Jimmy Kimmel Show. Remember Gwyneth Paltrow reading, “Gwyneth Paltrow looks like the kind of person who smells like cat piss.”
·        Bring a Freddy’s Frozen Custard to town. I’ve met Freddy. Nice guy.
·        Capture the religious diversity of our community by not only having Christian ministers deliver opening prayers, but also including Jewish rabbis, Islamic mullahs, Zen Buddhist dudes, Wiccan priestesses and the First Church of Cannabis. Really, my friend M.J. got her cannabis mister’s card online from Indidana.
·        Which leads to a page from Wichita’s playbook. I support a resolution that would make marijuana, not exactly legal, but a civil faux paux that can be rectified by a $5 fine and possibly negotiated down to planting flowers in the park. Furthermore, I hope to be our council’s legislative contact, working for the legalization of pot. It will be good for our economy. You see, people get stoned, get the munchies and that opens a market for donut shops, cupcake stores, cannabis dispensaries and a plethora of other businesses.

 Residents of Jett, Kan., my aim is true. Together, we can make a better, more enriching and invigorating community. So vote for me and I'll make your wildest dreams come true.

Okay, you got me. April Fool

                                        "Fight the Power" -- Public Enemy

But I really did meet Freddy.