I don't think I'll ever again be as religious as I was at 8-years-old. When my Sunday School class would sing, "Come Into My Heart, Lord Jesus," I was sure, I was a believer, I was asking Him to come into my heart. We had the visuals of storms and thunder to go with "How Great Thou Art." Later when I heard Elvis sing that song I thought it was pretty cool.
I've never told anyone this, not even Maria, I don't think, but the first job I ever aspired toward -- after being a cowboy when I was between ages 3 and 5 -- was preacher, a career, which at that time meant devotion, kindness and respect. When I first heard of Martin Luther King, Jr., it didn't surprise me that he was a minister. Of course a Christian would want people of all races treated equally and with kindness.
The first President I remembered (well I remembered a little about Jerry Ford), but the first I really got to know was Jimmy Carter. When I heard that Carter was a born again Christian (again when I was 8-years-old) it didn't surprise me a bit. After all Jimmy Carter was a good man. He was kind and he stood for good things like peace. Of course he would be a Christian. Of course, even at that age I knew his religion didn't mix with job as President. I'd learned in first grade during the 76 bicentenniel year that the pilgrims came to this country in search of religious freedom and church and government were separate.
Anyhow I was going to be holy. I was going to be like Jimmy Carter or Pastor Paul from the Bible Baptist Church. I knew I'd have to straighten out my ways and quit cussing, fighting on they playground and creating mischief.
By the time I was in fourth grade I knew that wasn't going to happen. By the time I was in jr. high, I'd stopped going to church. Felt there was a lot of artifice.
Also, in later years I became more rebellious, hardly believing in God. And when I did think about Him, I was scared. It didn't help that Christianity didn't have such a good name anymore thanks to right-wing loud mouths like Jerry Fallwell, Pat Robertson (et. al) and fundamentalist political extremism.
I've made peace with God, though. I've found my faith again and I'm confident I'm not a weirdo. The Christians on this earth I strive to emulate aren't the Jerry Fallwells, but the Jimmy Carter types. Other people can do what they want. I just know where I stand. I have friends who are agnostics or atheists, but I know I need a Higher Power. The idea of someone dying for me personally 2,000 years ago to absolve me of my terrible sins and grant me salvation appeals to me.
I'm not into war or destruction or badmouthing people of other beliefs. I just decided God is love. In my view He's more like a kind father than an avenging, punisher. Instead of a fiery hell, I believe God lets us suffer the consequences of our actions. Much like how my wife and I are with our kids. Once my son was crying after he did something wrong and said, "I know you have to punish me." "I don't like that word," I told him. "I prefer the word 'consequences.'"
This morning I went to church for the first time in months. My job writing and investigating for a secret underworld society often takes me out of town or out of state. But in one of those towns, I decided to attend a church with stately old architecture. Unfortunately most of the congregation was old and when they die, I don't know what will happen to the place.
I think I made a friend there with a guy named Ray. The other side of it was I heard some things from a guest speaker, which I didn't like. But I'll save that for a future blog. It's no reason to give up on church, on communion with others who want to touch The Divine. Hey, I've been out drinking on Saturday nights with friends and when we didn't like the bar we were at, we just found a better one.
That's all you gotta do. I'm still going to be a seeker. Still searching for answers and if I don't find them all, it's okay. Still got love.
