Christmas parody letter 2017

Dear _______,

My good friends Davey and Goliath

Greetings to all friends, kith and kin & Christmas fans throughout the world. It's that time of year again for watching reruns of Santa Claus & Kakeman (those of you who grew up in the Wichita Metropolitan Statistical Area in the 1970s know what I'm talking about), drinking egg nog shakes from McDonald's, eating tacos and gazing at the rich people's Christmas lights when you're out cruising through the fancy neighborhoods with your girl. Imbibing an English porter with cheery friends while taking in the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Christmas 1977

Sir Paul McCartney

So what's happened in the big wide J. Guy world this year? It's been an interesting year to say the least as I severed ties with the Underground Writing Society I had been afiliated with for several years, I had a bout of homelessness (well not literally homeless, I lived in my car, but it was all right) and saw...can we get a big Ringo Starr drumroll here? Sir Paul McCartney! Yeah, I saw a Beatle live in the flesh. The man is still a force  for rock n' roll and all music, love and peace the world over and has lost nothing to age. I brought my son, Max, with me so he could see history. Would've brought my daughter, Gabby, but she doesn't like noise. "Oh shit!" I exclaimed as the arena went orange with the booming explosion accompanying "Live and Let Die." But it was all right. And no, I'm not going to play "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time."

When I hear music like the Beatles, I think of how we need to get back to good old fashioned basics. Didn't America (well, actually Alabama) have the chance to do this by electing a good Christian man to the U.S. Senate? How Christian is he? As a judge, he posted The Ten Commandments on his courtroom wall. Sure, he got in trouble because they said he violated the separation of Church and State, but isn't that just like a lot of godless liberals to pretend such a separation exists? We all know our Founding Fathers built this country on good ol' white male evangelicalism. Some said the good judge preyed upon teenage girls 40 years ago. But hey, as his Good Christian supporters said, he was a "man's man." Furthermore, didn't the Gospels say Mary was a teenager and Joseph was 35 when they got together? I'm sure it must have. Our glorious President (take it easy on him, he's a new Christian) campaigned for the good Alabama Republican. After all, the senate candidate shares the president's goal to Make America Great Again. Yes, he did say the last time America was great happened to be during the era of slavery. You know when people, due to their skin pigmentation, were beaten, tortured, murdered, separated forever from their families and women were raped by slave masters and their sons? But hey a few white people had it good so it's all right.

I'll have to admit in some ways, things are improving. Men can no longer get away with being dirtbags. Those rich, powerful men who sent x-rated videos to female co-workers and subordinates, locked them in rooms and flashed their dicks at them -- they're being held accountable. Karma has got 'em by the balls. All the bad guys are being held to account. For example, if you walk in on young ladies undressing because you own the Miss USA pageant or brag about how you're a celebrity who can "grab em by the ____" --- you -- uh, well -- shouldn't you be nailed to a cross by the media? -- uh, well I guess if you're loved by Jerry Fallwell, Jr. and Franklin Graham, you're all right.

But if you sleep with the Russians in order to win a Presidential election, well then...Oh, not then either? Never mind, he's a good Christian. A good pussy grabbing Christian who might be into golden showers.

Best kids in the world. Right here.

Boy, I sure wouldn't want to go to the Jingle Bell Ball with that guy. Speaking of which, my teenage son, Max, went to such an event at the high school. Max is a good boy in every sense of the word -- recognized for citizenship at school, a respecter of all races, genders and creeds who loves Minecraft, Star Wars and playing Cards Against Humanity with his buddies at lunch. My boy would never light a joint in the school cafeteria like that dumb ass from his shop class did. (I mean, hell, if you're gonna light a joint, you don't do it out in the open.) Kid got kicked off the football team for the dumb stunt. Max, of course, is smart. He's even into smart human tricks. For example, there's this 300-pound kid named Kian who's on the wrestling team with my son. Max, like the other boys has experimented with getting on all fours and seeing how long they can last with Kian sitting on their backs.

Then there's my daughter, Gabby. She's into decals, making cartoons on the computer and anything Harry Potter. In another sign of the shifting times, my baby, my princess -- the little girl who wanted to grow up to live in a "magic castle" -- turned 13 just this month. My baby girl is a teenager now. (I guess I'm getting to be an old man.) She got a ukulele and a guitar this year. She's as bad ass as Patti Smith Carrie Fisher Erin Fitzpatrick and as sensitive as Stevie Nicks singing "Landslide." If any guy tried that sexual harassment shit with Gabby, she would, like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, go medieval on his ass.

Along with the other changes in my life, I entered a relationship this year. My girlfriend, Kayla, writes me love notes and sends me sweet text messages like this one: "Come over if you feel like it, but you can't do what you want, I'm on my period."

Kayla's brother, Townes, had a bout of anal fissures this year. Anal fissures, in case you don't know, are splits or cracks in the lining of the anal opening. This can result in the passage of very hard or watery stools. Townes had the hard kind. He told us all about it during a high fiber lunch at one of Wichita's trendy health food restaurants. Guess the plumbing was a-clogged-up at the sewer down Townes. (Ha ha chortle chortle). But I want everyone to know that Townes and his anus and bowel movements are now doing A-okay.

Well that's about all my news. And remember, Christmas has done good things for me and it can for you as well. Think about that as you feast upon the cooked goose and potatoes at your family dinner table. I mean, think hard about those things that truly matter in life. The Screw You Party is giving the tax system and internet to the oligarchs and maybe President Grinch has no respect for women as he all but admitted once to Howard Stern, but by God, he'll make us all say "Merry Christmas" and isn't that what this special time of year is all about? No Ebenezer Scrooge, that guy.

As I alluded to before, I better get my white ass 'outa here. But, let's keep the joy that is Christmas in our hearts all year. Oh I'm as happy as an angel, merry as a school boy and giddy as a drunken man just thinking about it. To my friends, I say I get high with a little help from you. To my kids, you're the reason I exist. You complete me. And remember, no matter what your faith, God is. So have a good year and, with regard to your personal plumbing, may you pass no hard stools. And if you start feeling too high, straying past yourself and thinking you're all about something, get back to where you once belonged.

God bless us everyone,

Jeff

P.S. I have long labored over writing at my local hamburger establishment, McDonald's, from which I've talked to my friend Joel who keeps the dining area crisp and clean. Joel is a retired guy, a Navy veteran with a tattoo and a white mustache that sets his smile aglow. Here's to Joel and that lovely yuletide poem he wrote many years ago, ending it on a sensitive note: "Shove that Christmas tree up your ass."

           The Yeah Yeah Yeahs -- "All I Want For Christmas"