Hi, what's your opinion of Bill Belichick? Deflategate? Hell, spygate and the whole Philadelphia Eagles & New York Jets controversies? Do you think Matt Damon and Ben Afleck are responsible? How 'bout that scene in Good Will Hunting where Damon aka Will Hunting made reference to Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States?
"Superb Owl." That's what the shit looks like when I text it. Not Superbowl. Superb Owl.
Maybe you're like some people I've heard. "I only watch for the commercials."
Oh boy! The commercialization. Clydesdales and puppies and robots bringing you Budweiser while you're in your recliner. Some hot Hollywood star - a Jennifer Lawrence or Scarlett Johanson going all cock tease and all you're supposed to care about is how the digital animation transforms her into a bottle of -- oh it's Bud Light now. Anheiser Busch. Doritos in claymation and some swimsuit model simulating felatio on a a Sprite bottle.
What about all the togetherness. We are all one. All cultures in the world. We love and respect each other and all our colors, national tribes and religions in a spirit of harmony. That's what this extravaganza is about. Makes you wanna drink a Coke.
So the extended families on the couch. People start singing "America the Beautiful" in Spanish, while drinking All-American Coca-Cola, and my wife immediately hits the mute button on the remote. Luckily, her bigoted step-dad didn't hear. He was distracted, running his big, alpha-male mouth. It's enough he's in my house. Don't give me a jingoistic, race bashing rant tonight. Women in burkas appear on the screen. Oh shit. Wife, Maria, clicks, changes the channel. Old man never saw.
Several years ago we were at his house. The old man's friend, Wally, was at the place. Didn't hardly hear the game. Old man bitched the whole time about Democrats, terrorists, how Bruce Springsteen doesn't love his country and should be called "the loss" instead of the boss" and --- "Why are they so blind?" he asked Wally pleadingly. Wife was in the kitchen, not listening to the shit tonight. "Why Wally? Why can't they see? What's the matter with them. My dad fought in World War II to end this shit?"
And that was Super Bowl XXXVII for me.
The next year, some singing duo rave on about taking each other's clothes off, but all America has a collective cow when the chick's tit falls out. Good God people, babies see that shit every day. It's not like she revealed a waxed pussy or something.
For years, the Family Superbowl Party has been at our humble home. Father and mother-in-law. Brothers-in-law. Nieces and nephew. A clusterfuck of people in my little old living room and I can't see the damn TV. I just give up and go to my room and sleep anyway.
So fuck the Superbowl and the commercials.
Only this year, a friend invited me to a Superbowl party. It'll be in the old Methodist Church building, which is said to be haunted. Hell, maybe we'll play beer pong, I don't know. Maria's a little sad about my breaking with the family tradition, but she begrudgingly conceded to be okay with it.
I wonder if the friend who was stalking me on Facebook before I blocked him will be at the party?
Did the Patriots cheat the Eagles in 2004?
Speaking of which, I gotta say I loved the 2006 film, Invincible in which Mark Wahlberg starred as Vince Papale, the sandlot football player who tried out for the Philadelphia Eagles with some unexpected results. Best line: "He's got heart."
Remember the scene where Vince is talking to his love interest outside the bar they've been tending. Elvin Bishop's "Fooled Around and Fell in Love" playing in the background. That's what I told Maria. Yup, slept with a lot of women before you. Didn't care if they cried no sir, but you baby - looooove's gotta hold on me.
Also I loved Greg Kinnear's portrayal of legendary Eagles (later Rams & Chiefs) coach Dick Vermeil.
Gotta go. I'm glad the trophy is named for Vince Lombardi who coached the Packers to the first two Superbowl victories back in the days when college marching bands played half-time shows and coaches watched plays on 16 mm film and dressed like coaches, dammit.
